It’s been one whole year since officially, legally, Vi became our daughter.
Court had been almost two weeks prior, but according to their 10 day waiting period she was not legally our child until THIS day: February 28th.
One month and five days after we first met.
It would still be a few more days until she could leave the orphanage, and then Ukraine.
But legally, on paper, she was ours.
I spent that day one year ago obtaining a birth certificate in the town where her birth mother once lived, in the town where she was actually born. It was so strange, so surreal, to become a mother because someone says so on a piece of paper. To be handed a “birth” certificate proclaiming you have had a child, who is in fact already nearly 6 years old.
I am so glad I wrote it down, because it is now such a blur.
I went back to read that post.
And I realized, when it comes right down to it, the whole adoption process can be summarized in one photograph, taken that day as I waited for the birth certificate to be produced in a tiny office in a tiny town in the middle of no-where Ukraine:
I want to say something, that I don’t think I have ever really said here before: Adoption is Hard.
Like with a Capital H. A. R. D.
This year has been the most challenging, difficult, painful, emotional, demanding year. More than I imagined. More than I was prepared to face. It has altered who I am and how I see the world, fundamentally. It has also been more beautiful, more miraculous, more amazing that I could have imagined or been prepared for, but I think I have made that aspect of it very clear.
I apologize to those of you who don’t know me in real life. Who may have the impression that older child international adoption for our family is only sunshine and rainbows, smiles and cute videos. I hope that most of you know that is not the case. I mean, Parenting in general isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Everyone knows that, I think. Parenting an adopted child, however, brings a very unique set of challenges.
I share what I choose to share here about Vi and her journey for many reasons. But the biggest reason I choose NOT to share certain things is for one simple fact:
It is Not My Story to tell.
It is Her’s.
There are things, that if I shared them here, would violate her privacy. There are things that, if I wrote about them, Teenage and Adult Vi…I imagine would never forgive me.
And so, I haven’t shared them.
But it is a fact that adoption is a necessity born out of trauma. The first trauma, of course, being the dissolution of the nuclear family for whatever reason. The traumas after that are individual, depending on the child, but one truth holds steady regardless:
Trauma leaves scars.
This Little Girl, who became part of our family one year ago….
Deserves so much More……
So VERY much more than the beginning she was given in life.
But there are things that can’t be undone. There are hurts I cannot comprehend. There are hurts that can only mend with time. And there are some hurts that may never mend at all.
One year ago today when that document was produced declaring that she had new parents, her entire future changed. But that didn’t change her past.
A Past where getting out of bed at night to use the toilet was unheard of because “the monsters would kill you and eat you”, as she was told by her caregivers.
A Past where having your teeth knocked right. out. of. your. face. by an angry nanny as she dragged you up the stairs by your hair, powerless and terrified, means to this day you flinch at sudden movements.
A Past, full of so many unspoken images, fears, loneliness and hurts that make you behave in ways you can’t even understand, and often cannot control. Because you are a Child. Who has been abused by those who were entrusted with your care.
I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it. So is she.
I am still trying to figure out how to parent her, how different her needs are from my other children, how my own strengths and weaknesses as a parent have been magnified times a thousand in the wake of her birth in to our lives.
She is still trying to figure out what “family” means. What “Love” means. What having choices means.
Still.
She has come so far, in one short year.
She is Becoming. She is Overcoming.
She has transformed before our eyes, physically, mentally and emotionally and will continue to do so.
But it is an uphill battle.
While the delight, wonder, beauty and grace which is fully represented in the many things I have written about the last year outweigh the struggles….those struggles which she and all children who have been orphans face are still Very Real.
If you have a moment today, in honor of our girl, please take the time to click here and go read this List.
It is The List, composed by many friends and adoptive parents I have come to know and love over the last year, which sheds light on many of the challenges and struggles our children face as a result of their harsh beginnings. Through no fault of their own, the traumas they have endured leave them with maladaptive coping mechanisms. Behaviors that can be impossible to understand from our perspective but which make perfect sense to a child who was never shown love, who was never treasured and kissed and rocked to sleep….who had to fight to survive.
I am not going to point out which ones apply to Vi and which ones do not.
Again, I do not think her private struggles should be on public display here. That is a choice each adoptive parent has to make, what to share and what to keep private, and it is a delicate dance because you want people to understand but you have to acknowledge how your child may feel about these things having been divulged in the future. Some parents share more than I do, some parents share even less. Rest assured, we are all trying to do best by our children. And I do not judge parents who choose differently than I do, I just want it to be clear.
Just know, as you read, that there are things on this list we have struggled with and some we continue to struggle with….sometimes daily.
Know that what is happening to these children is so very damaging. And it is absolutely unnecessary and preventable.
Know that while Vi now has a future full of bright possibilities, we left an entire orphanage full of children who may never know the love of a family or have an opportunity to heal because what was her Past is still their Present.
Let your hearts break. And be moved to act, in whatever way you can, to help a child in need.
Mama has done her best, sweet girl. Sometimes it is exhausting. Some days are frustrating and long and hard. Some days I just do not understand. But I am trying. And I will keep trying. For you.
I hope some day you can fully understand how beautiful and amazing you are.
Happy 1 year!!!
She is a lucky little girl.
WE are the lucky ones
I’m deeply saddened and totally furious at the same time, reading that Vi was dragged by her hair so that her teeth were knocked out! How can anyone be so cruel? I can to some extent understand how there isn’t enough staff to keep the children from becoming understimulated and malnourished – but downright cruelty? For that there’s no excuse….
I shall admit that I thought that yours were indeed one of the only-roses-and-rainbows stories where everything is smooth and easy…. I can understand and I really respect your decision not to share details, for Vi’s privacy. However, if you wish to be a little more real, maybe mentioning that there are struggles, without mentioning details might be a way?
Considering adoption myself, I very much appreciate the brave bloggers who choose to share struggles, as it helps people like me to feel more prepared and maybe like less of a failure when things are hard. But I fully understand that it isn’t an easy decision, since the child doesn’t really have a say….
(I’m anonymous today, as our hope to adopt isn’t public yet…)
I do not know how some people can be so cruel. It is beyond comprehension and I think in trying to make “sense” of it is how many children of abuse end up figuring “well, it must have been my fault some how.” When the truth is…..it just does NOT make sense.
I appreciate your comment as well about trying to make it more “real”. It is something that I have been struggling with, but as I said before it is a very delicate balance. The truth is, for ALL my children, when they come back and read this blog years from now I DO want them to say “You know, my Mom CHOSE to focus on the good stuff.” No one’s life is perfect, but as far as keeping a record of our lives I prefer the majority of it be positive or even in the case of deployments which are also extremely challenging, to look at it from a perspective of what we have learned and overcome instead of just the difficulty we faced.
And again, many people in our real lives have a much better understanding of what we have dealt with, but this is a very public forum and people misinterpret and misunderstand things online all the time. I have known of TWO people in the last year who have had child protective services on them from something written on their blog that was twisted around by people they never even MET. I am not willing to open up our family to that kind of scrutiny either.
Our family is beautiful and strong, and we are still finding our way just like all adoptive families. Posting the List, for me, was the right balance between respecting Vi’s privacy, protecting her, and letting people know that we still struggle with the after effects of what was done to her before she came to us.
Thank you for commenting! I hope this makes sense!
It does make sense
Thank you for your kind answer!
It really is awful that two people have been reported to child protective services because of what was written on their blogs! Scary! I can understand that it makes you want to be careful!
Please know that I truly never meant to ask for details! I just misunderstood a little and thought that you asked for some input, and what I meant was more like mentioning something along the lines of “today was a particularly/somewhat hard day helping Vi overcome her past”…or something like that, to show that there is more to the picture than what is shown publicly. My comment came from the point that many people (like myself) don’t really know anyone who has adopted an older child, and may choose to try to learn more through reading blogs. It isn’t always easy to know the focusing-on-the-good-things blogs from those who tell more! Of course your friends and family know a lot more – and that’s how it should be!
Congratulations to one year of being Vi’s family!
I see what you are saying, absolutely. I didn’t think you were asking for more details, I just wanted to comment back and see if I could better clarify my position.
And I do know there are some very descriptive and blunt blogs about the struggles of older child adoption. It would be my hope that anyone considering any adoption get lots of different points of view and take them all in to account when making such an important decision for their family, including reaching out to people who have adopted (if they don’t know anyone personally, they can reach out to someone who blogs like you have to me!)
I also hope that I can be a voice primarily for the beauty and wonder that comes with seeing a child who has been abused and neglected transform in to this really amazing kid. It has been a crazy ride, but she is so very worth it and that is definitely the message I want to portray.
Thank you so much for having this conversation with me! Feel free to email me as well if you have more questions or anything about adoption. mycamokids@gmail.com
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There is so much love all over this post. So very much love that I think (I know) Vi will come out of all of it okay. Because of you. Because of your love. Love is the only thing that really heals. And there may be scars, but she is loved, and she will be okay. She is a survivor and I hope as she grows up that is how she will view herself. She survived, and now she will thrive.
Congratulations on your 1 year anniversary. Continued prayers for you, for Vi, and for the rest of your family!
Thank you. I think she is thriving for the most part. But some days are still so hard, and I wonder how I could ever be enough to help her through it all. Still….I’ll keep trying and hoping my best is good enough!
Dear Vi,
I read this blog because your family is fun and loving. I usually write to your mama but I want to tell you something. You are so so strong. You are a little girl now but you are strong in your heart. I hope that when you are a grown up you will remember how much you have faced and how you won over all the bad things. I am so proud of you.
Thank you for this note to her. It made me cry. I hope she sees this someday!
Lora, you are so wise and caring that I know Vi will absorb that and understand in her own time, that she is safe and loved now. Many of us out here admire her spirit and courage! And your family’s. samm
Thank you. She does have the most amazing spirit, doesn’t she? You can just see it in her eyes!
I don’t ever comment, but do love reading your blog. Our families are VERY similar! We are a proud Army family, been through 2 deployments, adopted 5 kids, and we are on our way to West Point to teach
I relate to your posts and hope that someday we may meet!!
I hardly ever comment on websites and blogs that are written in another language than my mother tongue, but today i will make an exception (I guess that after all those years i’m still scared that i will make stupid mistakes in grammar or people wouldn’t get the ‘real’ meaning behind my messages.)
I just want to say that you inspired me a lot, and that i really like reading your blog. Every blog post is full of love and you’re setting a good example of how children should be raised. Of course there’s no formula and every family has their own struggles, but if there’s only one right way to do it, you’re getting very close to it. And i love how Vi has made amazing progress (even when you cannot ‘see’ everything on the internet). That you as an family are able to give a child a life full of opportunities and love is just the best thing ever.
I grow up in a single-parent household and my dad did his very best to give us the best childhood i can imagine. Still without a mother there were a lot of things that i had to figure out on my own and sometimes learning it the hard way. But i guess that made me the person that i am today, who is able to overcome struggles and fears. Scars from the past will stay in some way, but every day will give gives us opportunities to achieve amazing things that makes our future brighter and better.
oh boy! firstly her missing teeth were knocked out being dragged up those stairs by her hair!!! my heart breaks, secondly…i know she will read back and know she was so very loved! Oh lora, what a thing you have done for her, and what a thing in turn you both did for me….you will both always be one of the best times of my entire life…days that meant everything xxxxxx